Music Festival Boot Camp


(metallic clicking) – Move, move, move, move, Radio Head’s up! That’s your girlfriend’s favorite band! She’s gonna be on those
shoulders for no less than thirty minutes and you know she’s gonna wanna dance, you just got dumped! (hard techno music) (eagle screaming) (marching drums) This water is seven
dollars, is that a problem? – [Group] Sir, no sir! – It’s only 16.9 fluid
ounces, do you care? – [Group] Sir, no sir! (heavy drums) – Say hello to your new squad leader. – [Group] Sir, yes sir! – You have a problem
with that Jerry Garcia? – Sir, no sir! – Then say hello! – Hello new squad leader! – Shit, I didn’t know I was
teaching fucking manners too. Ready, set, (blows whistle) (energetic pop music) You gotta be goddamn kidding me! Are you above getting covered
in other peoples’ sweat? – Sir, no sir. – Then get back there and
do five more times scumbag! – Sir, yes sir.
– Move! And, go!
(single beep) (energetic pop music) And time! Jesus Christ are you
even making an attempt to hide your Kirkland signature vodka? – Sir, yes sir!
– Cause if we were in Coachella right now you’d be
in deep shit mother fucker! – Sir, yes sir! – Andrea Bocelli could spot
those flasks from a mile away, and guess what the only
thing he’s known for more than his singing is being
blind you fucking idiot. – Sir, yes sir. (eagle screaming) (throbbing techno) – You have five bands
until Lana Del Rey goes on. Do you love this music? – [Group] Sir, yes sir! – Are you sure it’s not
just a bunch of loud noises? – [Group] Sir, no sir! – Keep … moving! They just decided to play Creep! That never happens! – [Man] Sir, I’m sorry sir! – [Drill Sergeant] Shut
the fuck up Grateful Dork! – [Man] Sir, yes sir! – Get your shit sorted out now God damn it!
– Sir, yes sir! – Yeah, keister those motherfuckers. Shove ’em up your little ass maybe that’ll make your voice drop. – Sir, yes sir yes sir. – Right now you sound
like a chipmunk don’t ya? – I … Sir, yes sir. – You sure you don’t love this music? – [Group] Sir … (voices overlapping) – The answer is no you dumb motherfuckers, because in fact you do love this music. – [Group] Sir, yes sir! – Yes that’s right you
gutless motherfuckers. I’m a Black Beatle,
Crimson’s in The Regal. – [Group] God (mumbles) like
to see him spread eagle. – Sound check! – [Group] Check check! – Which chipmunk would you be? – I’d be Alvin sir! – Bullshit you’d be Alvin! – Sir I’d be Theodore, Sir.
– Theodore, that’s right. Well if you’re Theodore
I’m Dave motherfucker! – Please don’t make me
do it, it’s so dirty! – You must be crumb dumb, shithead! You think the toilet at
Lollapalooza is gonna be clean? – Sir, no sir! – I was at Woodstock in ’94,
and I got shit all over my ass. You think I whined about it?
– Sir, no sir! – You just bought the rest
of the squad 20 roof raises. Everybody arms up!
(group sighs) Arms up, up, down, up, down. – Sir, okay sir! – Sir, okay sir, we’re learning shit today you stinky piles of garbage. (speaking in tandem) – Yes sir, sorry sir! – Tu-ta tu-ta tu-ta, now
you’re making some music! – Yes, sir! – You ain’t got no more TP. – (crying) Sir, yes sir! – You’re all out of TP! – Sir, yes sir! – I hear those chicken shit turds hitting the water right now as we speak. You’re gonna have to use the cardboard. (man stuttering) You know what I’m talkin bout you gotta use that God damned cardboard. – Sir, yes sir! – Process that! (stuttering sobs) (man sobbing) (disgusted groan) – I don’t wanna go anymore. (rock music)
(cheering) – You guys having fun? – Sir, yes sir! – I can’t hear you, I said
you pieces of shit having fun? – Sir, yes sir! – Then fucking dance! (loud cheering) – Hi it’s Katie Marovitch
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61 thoughts on “Music Festival Boot Camp

  1. I love the water comment because festivals in the UK have water taps all over the camp ground and festival arenas

  2. "They just decided to play creep, that never happens!"

    REALIZES RADIOHEAD LITERALLY PLAYED CREEP AT COACHELLA 2017 AND THAT COLLEGE HUMOR ACCURATELY PREDICTED THEIR COACHELLA SET

  3. I'm getting deployed to EDC for the first time in my life this coming week, I fear I won't make it back. Tell my wife and kids I love them…

  4. Lol, I’ve been going to music festivals since I was 11 with my dad, but it wasn’t until recently I’ve been going by myself until 2 years ago. I’ve an experienced veteran at squirming through crowds and stuffing stuff in my bra.

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