I’m a spaceship! Oops just had some babies. Storm Trooper Strobe Party! We’re going on a road trip! Yeaaaaaaah! Here are all my mp3’s and a map to Skywalker. Go find Luke now I guess or whatever All right! Holy crap! Bad guys are coming! We gotta get outta here! Where are the mp3’s! I believe they’ve gone up your butt! why don’t you look there? Oh my gosh! Why don’t you die instead? Blaster gun, Go! Blaster gun, No! oh dang! You’re gonna be my prisoner now This makes me so uncomfortable! Hello! Are there any good parts in here?! I’m the heroine and I collect scrap metal Weeeeeeeee! Weeeeeeeeeeee! Weeeeeeee! And that’s my midichlorian count. Oh look another one! Living in the desert is so boring! I wish someone would cross my path and kick start my destiny. Hey girl! I can help kick start that destiny for ya. Shut up! Are you for real? You know it! I’m like a big deal come on let’s roll! Get it? Cause I’m a ball. Tell me where your mp3’s are! No download your own! Give it! AaaghhAAAgghhAAAAAGggghhh Fine. You’re in time out then. Hey, I want to escape. That’s awesome, I want to escape Wow escaping is easy! shoot the missiles dum-dum! We’ve been hit! We’re all gonna die! Oh, I lived Where’s Poe? Poe? Did you die? I’m just gonna take this then okay, holy crap! You better give me those mp3’s or I’m gonna be like super mad. You better stop being stupid! You’re stupid! Nuh uh! You are! Am not! Are too! Knock knock! Who’s there? Stupid. Stupid who? Stupid YOU! What the… I really hate that man! *music playing* Wow those are some sick beats! Hey! He stole Poe’s jacket! Get’m girl! uh oh. AAAAGH! Give us back Poe’s jacket! It’s not his anymore. He’s dead! *droid cry* Now look what you did. He’s dead. Nevermind. Bad guys! Run! Let’s take small ship that doesn’t have any shields! Just kidding! Quick get into this iconic ship so that we can have a chase scene! Yeah, take that! Time for a front flip! I’m the best gunner ever! Alright then. Let’s go out to space! Um, sir? What? They they got away Rrrrrrrrrr I want that thumb drive! I want to listen to those sick beats! Wow we escaped! Hooray for us! Oh crap the bad guys found us Eat spaceship! Omnomnom! Quick! We gotta hide! Get off my pla… Oh there’s nobody here Chewy. Let’s pose for the trailer.
Yeah! Hey, what are you doing here? That’s my smuggling floor! Please let us stay! We’re good guys too! Come on! Let’s go have a pointless action scene. What did we sign up for!? Okay, that’s enough action let’s bounce. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee! My name is Snoke! And I’m BIG! He’s not actually that big. Shhhh! shhh. Mr.. Snoke can I use the big laser to kill the good guy government? It’s the only thing preventing us from ruling the galaxy and this movie needs to have a Death Star in it. Okay that sounds fun I guess. Go ahead and do that! Thanks! What happened to Luke Skywalker? He was training my son to be a Jedi? but unfortunately my son turned out to be a giant turd and destroyed it all. So Luke went into hiding because that’s apparently what the Jedi do when they fail a mission. They abandon it all. You mean like how you abandoned your son? Anyways! Let’s go have a cantina scene! Ok we got to be like really inconspicuous here, so don’t draw attention to yourself. HAN SOLO! Dang it. *baby sounds*
Ooo what’s that? Touching someone else’s stuff? Don’t mind if I do! What up? Whaaa! Bad dream! Take the saber! Be the female hero Disney want you to be. I don’t want to! Welcome everyone to the grand opening of Laser Mart! as you all know the first-order super hates the Republic *inaudible shouting* Can you understand him? I don’t know, but he is really angry. And that is why we’ve made this planet into a giant laser gun and we’re gonna use it right now! Giant sun laser gun GO! I feel like we should have gotten more screen time! Oh Crap! They blew up the Republic! Oh crap they found us again! Then fight you dingus! Sweet! I have no idea what I’m doing! I can’t tell! If you were Phasma right now this would be a lot cooler! Wha?! Saved your life! Freeze Tag! You’re it! Hey no fair! If I can’t have those mp3s, I’ll just take you instead. Oh no! They took Rey! Hey Leia. Hey Han. Our son is still a jerk face And we got old. I look better than you You’ve heard those sick beats and now you’re gonna give them to me. Nope! Ugh! I hate you so much right now! It’s not fair! She won’t let me have her thoughts and memories. I’m not liking the news I’m hearing! Hey! We know where the good guy base is! Wha? Well what are you telling me this for? Go blow it up then! Yeaaaaaagh! All right, everyone. Big surprise. We got to blow up the bad guy base again Does anybody know how to blow up this one? I know how! Let’s go. Let me go No. What if I use the force how about now? Oh well that changes everything. Here you go! How are we gonna land on the bad guy base if it has a shield around it? I’m the best pilot ever Nailed it! Now all we need to do is find someone to lower the shields. Lower the shields! No. I said lower them shields! Okay. They actually did it! Everyone attack! All right! If only my friends would show up there you are ! time to hug. No time to go! What are we gonna do? We’re gonna blow up that building right, Chewie? Yeah! And nothing’s gonna stop us now Rey? Rey! Just looking for Rey. if anybody needs me I’ll be standing on this extremely dangerous cat walk with no hand rails! BEN! DAD! don’t use my real name. What are you doing here? You’re embarrassing me! Go away! Gaaaw! Thank you. So smooth. Weeeeeeeee Father … like figure! You’re next! You suck so bad! All I wanted was those sick beats! Now I have to make my own! bmm tsss bmm tsss bmm tssss bmmp See it’s not the same! Time to die. Lightsaber. I’m gonna cut you up real.. Wrong! Now come to Papa! come on you got it And here we.. whup? *you got the touch!* It’s my turn. Who are you? I’m Rey, and I’m a Jedi like the MarySue before me actually by definition Luke can’t be a Mary Sue because Ow my face! All right, this story’s got a long enough time to blow it up and go home! Hurry Chewie. We gots to go! Did you get Finn? Yeah! Wow! We just killed a bunch of people. Great job Rey! Now we know where my brother is. You should go talk to him. Don’t you think you should go talk to him? I mean he actually knows you and we were bringing the map to you. Nah. I’m good. You go. Because you know he needs to see me? Like there’s a secret about my life that only he will reveal? An exciting secret nah. I’m just lazy. Oh. Here Lukey Lukey Lukey! Oh there you are! *growl* Hello, I’m your new apprentice I even brought your lightsaber *growls* Aren’t you glad to see it? *growls more* Aren’t you glad? *growls even more* Aren’t you glad?! No. Spoilers!